


keeping secrets (just to keep you)

by cityofflights



Category: Law & Order: SVU
Genre: 5+1 Things, Developing Relationship, Fluff, Getting Together, Gift Giving, Light Angst, M/M, Secret Admirer, Valentine's Day
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2021-02-08
Updated: 2021-02-08
Packaged: 2021-03-14 09:20:30
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 4,014
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/29293566
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/cityofflights/pseuds/cityofflights
Summary: 'May this brighten your day as much as you brighten mine'He turned the card around to see if it had any name on it but was met with three words that only left him even more confused, “Your secret admirer” he read to himself “I’ve got a secret admirer?”“Looks like it” Rollins’ voice came from behind his shoulder startling him.or 5 times Sonny got a gift from a secret admirer + 1 time the admirer wasn't a secret at all
Relationships: Rafael Barba/Dominick "Sonny" Carisi Jr.
Comments: 8
Kudos: 80
Collections: Barisi Valentine’s Cliché Challenge





	keeping secrets (just to keep you)

**Author's Note:**

> for the barisi valentine's cliche challenge with the prompts 2 (you got me a teddy bear?) and 5 (I've got a secret admirer?)

It starts on February 1 st

The first thing Sonny noticed when he arrived at the precinct was the strange smile on Rollins’ face. Usually, on Monday mornings, she could be found scowling, concentrating, or frowning but smiling? That was strange. Even stranger were the looks she kept throwing at his desk only to look away after a few seconds and then back at him.

Once he made his way around the front desk he understood why. On top of the stack of papers he had left there the night before laid a single sunflower tied with a red ribbon. As he got closer he could see the corner of what he assumed was a card. He picked it up, along with the flower, and ignoring Amanda’s questioning gaze he read the note. 

_ May this brighten your day as much as you brighten mine _

He turned the card around to see if it had any name on it but was met with three words that only left him even more confused, “ _ Your secret admirer”  _ he read to himself “I’ve got a secret admirer?”

“Looks like it” Rollins’ voice came from behind his shoulder startling him. He hadn’t seen her get up from her desk, all his attention focused on the items he still held.

“Did you do this?” he tried to keep the irritation out of his voice, only mildly succeeding. As far as jokes went it was pretty innocuous, a bit childish if so but still, after almost 3 years Sonny had hoped they had outgrown the “let’s pick on the new guy” phase.

“Are you asking me if I’m your secret admirer?” she staged whispered with the same small smirk still in place. Sonny rolled his eyes, in an always perfect impersonation of a certain ADA

“You know what I’m asking, is this supposed to be a prank?”

“Why would I buy you a flower as a prank?” 

Well, that was a good question, one he didn’t really have an answer for, seeing as usually when Amanda pranked someone there wasn’t much room for doubt that it was indeed a prank. After a moment of silence, she spoke again

“Have you considered that maybe it was an actual secret admired that got you the sunflower”

Sonny couldn’t help but snort at that “Yeah right, I’m sure it’s that”

Him, having a secret admirer? About as likely as hell freezing over. At least the thought made for a good laugh and helped him forget the annoyance he felt moments before. 

He made sure to grab a clean cup of water and filled it with water before carefully placing the sunflower inside. Wherever its origins it was still his favorite flower, and after all, it was a gift. 

* * *

A few days later, the flower incident tucked away in a corner of his mind, almost forgotten in the middle of the cases he was dealing with, Sonny was once again surprised by an item in his desk that he hadn’t put there. 

This time instead of a sunflower, it was a slim dark blue box with elegant writing on top. He looked around but no one seemed to be paying attention to him nor to the box. Still, it was a police precinct and a box left unattended in a detective’s desk was suspicious but he relaxed once he saw the piece of paper with his name written on it taped to the side.

Inside the card there was a simple message in elegant handwriting, it read “ _ Hope you like it - SA”,  _ it didn’t take a detective to figure out the initials meant secret admirer, certainly the same person behind the gift that now lived in a vase on his living room table. 

He opened the box and carefully took the tie it held inside. The light blue silk felt incredibly soft against his hand, and it had a sophisticated look to it, almost like something out of Barba’s wardrobe.

He was still admiring the tie when Amanda arrived at her desk.

“Damn your secret admirer has good taste” he could hear the laughter in her voice and it instantly reminded him that this too was probably a joke.

“Yeah thanks for the tie, it looks expensive” he put back inside the box and stashed it away in one of his drawers, making a mental note to take it home at the end of the day.

“I’ve told you, I wasn’t me. You’re very cute but I’m also very gay” he rolled his eyes and followed Amanda back to her desk.

“Alright if it wasn’t you then who was it” he still wasn’t convinced she wasn’t behind the presents he was receiving even if a part of him was wondering if it could be someone else, someone actually trying to win his affections with cute notes and thoughtful gestures. 

Sonny shook himself out of those thoughts, it was useless to think of such things, it really wasn’t Rollins then maybe Mike or Amaro were the ones responsible.

“Sonny c’mon you’re not even that blonde” she’s looking at him like he’s supposed to know the answer to his own question like she can’t even believe he would ask something so stupid. She’s probably thinking he should have figured out who’s behind the prank by now, he’s a detective, after all, a damn good one.

“Fine don’t tell me, I don’t care”

Before she can answer a third voice interrupts their conversation “You not caring for something? Sounds unlikely”

He can feel his cheeks heat up at the sound of Barba’s voice and he’s about to explain what he was talking about but somehow he doesn’t think telling the counselor how he’s been getting mock valentine’s gifts for the last few days will make a great impression.

He doesn’t need Barba to think he’s a grown man being pranked by his co-workers, not if he wants to be taken seriously. And he really wants to be taken seriously by Barba, it’s a fundamental part of his elaborated plan to ask the other man out at some point during the year.

“It’s nothing counselor, don’t worry about it,” he thinks he can hear Amanda whisper something behind him but he doesn’t catch it because suddenly Barba is giving him a smile, not a smirk nor a sarcastic grin, an actual smile, soft and small, looking like it belongs in shared meals at home and late-night movie sessions on couches instead of the middle of a busy precinct during work hours and that’s all Sonny can focus on.

“Okay then, I’ll see you later” he continues his route to Liv’s office without looking back, and it’s a good thing he doesn’t because Sonny is sure he has a dumbstruck look to his face as he keeps staring at Barba until he disappears behind the closed door.

When he finally turns back Amanda is still staring at him with the same expression, if anything even more pronounced now, as if even calling him an idiot would be considered a compliment. 

And he still doesn’t get why.

“What?”

“Unbelievable”

* * *

Not two days later there was a new box ready to meet him first thing in the morning, except this time no note accompanied it.

His breath got caught in his throat when he saw what was inside. There, neatly arranged between black foam was a ballpoint pen.

A silver and burgundy ballpoint pen.

A Fordham University ballpoint pen, very similar to the Harvard one Barba used to write rough drafts of closing arguments and opening statements, the same pen he used to doodle on one of Sonny’s textbooks one night during their study sessions when the pressure of being a full-time detective and a law student got the best of him and all he wanted to do was curl up and cry. 

Of course, he hadn’t said as much but Barba had probably seen the desperation in his face and quickly took the book from him and changed his lecture from chains of custody to the best way to draw a smiley face. It had been the first time in weeks Sonny had laughed out loud

A combination of feelings ran through him at the sight of the pen. Affection because it reminds him of Rafael, confusion at who else would know that, if maybe it could be from Rafael, a sign that the shared moments between them meant as much to him and they did to Sonny. But as he catches the two figures of Dodds and Amaro expectantly looking at him, all the previous emotions get overshadowed by a sense of sadness and betrayal.

Suddenly he’s regretting ever telling Mike about his crush on Rafael but he never thought his best friend would share the knowledge with the guy he’s been on like two dates. much less that the two would elaborate a plan to make fun of him.

He’s got to admit, it was pretty clever, for a few seconds he almost believed it was actually Rafael who had been sending him little gifts.

Thankfully he’s not as stupid as everyone else seems to think.

He doesn’t know how they figured out about the pen if they also saw Barba used it on many occasions and noticed how Sonny would stare at the man’s hands while he had it or if they had just guessed it and hit right in the bull’s eye.

All he knew was that it hurt really fucking bad.

He thought this was it, that he had finally found people who got him, who had his back and understood him but turns out he was still the punch line.

What Sonny didn’t saw were the worried looks the two detectives shared between them upon seeing his face, how the concern grew heavy on their faces with the force Sonny held the pen with, his knuckles turning white a the same rate his mind clouded black with doubt and anger.

He ultimately decided to swallow back everything he was dying to say, no need to give them the satisfaction of knowing just how affected he was. Instead, he tried to calm down.

Take a deep breath.

_ In _

_ Out _

And think happier thoughts.

He tried to picture Rafael’s smile upon hearing Sonny now owned a somewhat matching pen to his, with no doubt followed by an affectionate eye-roll and a jest about how he was now one step closer to become a real lawyer.

As the tension start to leave his body, Sonny looked around the bullpen once again, his eyes landing again on Mike and Amarto who had not left their spots but looked less worried now as they listen to what Amanda, who had joined the little gathering at some point, was saying.

When they see him staring the three detectives open their mouths but Sonny cuts them all off.

“Let me guess. It wasn’t you, it was my secret admirer” his voice drips with sarcasm and he has to bite his tongue not to say anything ruder to his friends.

“Sonny-” Mike tries again but he’s not interested in hearing excuses or apologies right now. He knows his reaction is being disproportional, a blow-up bigger than anyone expected but he’s starting to get fed up with these games and the Fordham pen felt like a dig both to his relationship with Barba and his aspirations to one day be like the man. And both things were something he held very close to his chest and didn’t appreciate being used to joke around.

“Save it. Don’t we have work to do?”

* * *

Sonny recognizes the smell as soon as he arrives at the SVU floor, it smells like warm comfort and sugar-filled afternoons. He almost runs over Barba in his excitement to get to fresh baked goods he knows he’s going to find.

“Good morning detective, are you so excited to get to work you don’t see where you’re going? And aren’t you early? I thought your shift didn’t start for another half hour”

A part of him, mainly his empty stomach, reminds him he forgot to have breakfast and worries him along. He could just smile at Barba’s teasing remark, bid him good morning and get his hands on some food. But the bigger part of him goes all soft and warm every time he sees Rafael and just the thought of cutting an interaction between them short makes him want to scream at himself.

Besides at least now he could blame the butterflies in his stomach at the realization that Barba knew his work schedule on his hunger and pretend for a little that he can behave like a normal adult man near him instead of a schoolboy with a crush.

“You know how it is, crime never rests, and neither do I,” he smiles in a hopefully charming way before continuing “But I assume you know all about that, I mean it’s not even 8 and you already came here. Or did you just feel like looking at our faces first thing in the morning?”

There’s a flush making its way into Barba’s cheeks and Sonny can’t help but wonder if it’s because of the flirty nature of his words. He really hopes so because every day it’s getting harder to not blurt out his feelings and kiss the hell out of Rafael. His self-restraint is wearing thin.

“I had to deliver something but that’s done so I’ll be on my way, goodbye” and with that, he was gone leaving Sonny wondering what had caused such a sudden departure.

That was something he could figure out once he had food.

He was surprised when he saw the other detectives and officers weren’t eating anything and for a fleeting moment he wondered if it was all gone already but as he approached his desk he understood why. The sweet smell of pastries came from a closed box that sat on the edge of his desk.

On top of it was a note.

_ To Sonny - I hope these are at least half as good as yours _

And as he opened the box and took a bite of one of the cannolis inside his mind flashed green eyes and blushing cheeks, making him wonder if it could actually be.

* * *

It’s Valentine’s day so Sonny’s not even surprised at the big package occupying his desk when he arrives at work.

“Oh, I wonder what is it this time. Is it a box full of chocolates? A giant card? A stuffed heart-shaped cushion?” he throws the question at Amanda and Mike, both already seated and ready to fill out the paperwork they’ve all been putting out on completing.

At least with the end of Valentine’s day, the harassing would come to a stop and Sonny could go back to pretending his colleagues respected him. All he had to put was fake a smile and not scream at them.

All the previous gifts had been fairly small but this box is larger and taller, and despite not wanting to, he’s curious to see what’s inside it. Still, he does his best not to let that show and opens it slowly, peeling the tape holding it together carefully. His previous guesses were all wrong because inside there’s no stereotypical gift, no red and pink colors or glittery hearts.

Instead, there are soft browns and the smell of leather. It’s a briefcase, much nicer than the one he currently had and undoubtedly much pricier too.

“Guys, how much did this cost? Did you really spend a month’s salary on a joke?” 

“Carisi how many times do we have to say it? It wasn’t us. It was never us. We wouldn’t do all this just to prank you.”

And okay maybe they had a point, before it had been small things, easy enough to get and maybe that was why he was so convinced they were behind it. But now he was seriously questioning if he had been ignoring the advances someone had been making on him. And if he had been so quick to deny the existence of this “secret admirer” because there was only one person he wanted to admire him and he was pretty sure they didn’t.

He’s still lost in thoughts when Barba approaches him. He seems nervous, the way he keeps fidgeting with his fingers betraying the mask of cool casualty he tries to project.

“That’s a very nice bag Carisi,” he says but doesn’t spare a look to said briefcase, his eyes remaining glued to Sonny’s face.

“Thanks, counselor, it was a gift” 

“Oh, I see. And did you like it?”

He’s trying hard not to let his wishes and daydreams color the reality but the way Rafael is looking at him, sort of hopeful and anxious, makes him want to believe he’s the one behind the gifts.

But then again he’s probably overanalyzing micro-expressions that don’t have a fraction of the meaning he attributes to them so he lets it go, doesn’t question Barba like he’s dying to do, just answers his question in the most casual tone he can muster.

“Yeah, I really love it” and if the smile he receives in return isn’t worth the aggravation of not having a clue of what’s going on he doesn’t know what is.

* * *

Later that day, at home, he drops the briefcase on top of his table and tries to ignore it. There’s a new show he’s been meaning to watch and that looks like the perfect distraction to make him stop thinking about valentine’s presents and love gestures.

He gets through 2 and a half episodes when a ringing bell interrupts him. He checks his phone to see if anyone had tried to call or text but finds it empty and so he makes the short walk to his front door and opens it.

The last thing Sonny expected to see on the other side was Rafael Barba holding a considerably-sized teddy bear who in turn was holding a red heart. He doesn’t know how long he’s been staring, mouth open and eyes even wider but eventually Rafael clears his throat and he jumps into action.

“Sorry, please come in” he moves aside to let the man and the stuffed animal inside.

“This is for you” he extends his arms and Sonny admires the way his voice sounds calm and collected as if he was presenting a piece of evidence in court. He can do that too, he can reply with something casual and smart, something like-

“You got me a teddy bear?”

Or maybe he could go with the dumb route, that worked too and it was very on-brand for his brain cells to stop working anytime Barba was around

“Yeah, it’s my understanding the other presents weren’t doing it for you so I thought I could be a bit more...explicit in my interest”

“Other presents- Wait that was all you?”

“It was”

“The sunflower?”

“I know they’re your favorites?” Suddenly his confidence vanishes and Rafael’s voice grows shy and if Sonny hasn’t so curious to know the reasons behind his choice of gifts he would have tackled him into a hug already. He grips the bear in his hands tighter as a substitute and continues his questions. 

“The tie?”   
  
“It reminded me of your eyes” 

“The Fordham pen?”

“I wanted us to match” the blush he saw a couple of days ago is back in full force and while Rafael might have him killed if he ever dared to share it with anyone, Sonny thinks it’s the most adorable sight to ever grace his eyes. The memory of when he last saw the rosy color on the other man’s cheeks finally makes sense. Rafael had probably gone to the precinct to drop his next gift and didn’t expect to see Sonny there, that’s why he had become flustered when he asked him why he was there.

“So the cannolis, also you?”

“Yes. I thought you might appreciate something homemade”

“You made those? They were amazing Rafael”

“And it only took three tries”

And damn if the knowledge that Rafael not only took time to bake for him but did so more than once because he wanted Sonny to like them doesn’t make his stomach flip and his heart rate spike.

“Wow, I’m impressed,” and he really is, the cannolis had been cooked perfectly, the crispy outside contrasting so deliciously with the smooth filling that Sonny truly believed they had come from a bakery. 

He sees the moment Rafael’s eyes catch the briefcase still laying on his dinner table. It hits him all over again that it was an actual gift from him, a thoughtful (and not to mention expensive) gesture because Rafael liked him

Rafael really liked him, which was amazing because Sonny really liked him too.

“And the briefcase?” he gestures to the general direction behind his shoulder, not daring to look away from the face in front of him as if it would disappear when he wasn’t paying attention. His own voice sounds impossibly soft to him and Sonny wonders if Rafael can read the affection written all over his expression. 

From the smile that has yet to leave his face, he can probably tell.

“You deserve to have nice things” It shouldn’t be possible to fall in love with the same person so many times in such a short time frame and yet that’s exactly what keeps happening every time Rafael says anything.

“And you got me a teddy bear. A very cute one” he looks down at the animal still in between his arms.

“I just wanted to make you smile”

Sonny finally closes the distance between them and kisses Rafael as he has been dying to do for what feels like forever. Rafael lets out a little sound of surprise but kisses him back enthusiastically. Sonny spent a lot of time thinking about kissing Rafael but nothing could prepare him for the reality of feeling his lips move under his. He feels like he’s floating like nothing but them exists.

“Mission accomplished” he whispers against his lips when they come up for air.

They share a few more kisses before another realization draws on Sonny.

“Fuck I have to apologize to Amanda. And Mike and Nick. I was so rude to them they must think I’m an asshole” he’s pacing around the living room and he can feel the anxiety start to build inside of him but Rafael sets a hand on his shoulder and guides him to the couch, sitting next to him with one of Sonny’s hands sandwiched between his.

“It’s okay, they knew it was me but I ask them not to tell you. They were just worried about you, Mike said you were pretty upset because you thought it was a prank”

“Yeah I was convinced the squad was messing with me” he should have known better than to doubt his friends like this. They had come a long way and now he felt foolish and ashamed for even thinking they wanted to make fun of him and hurt him. He’s already planning what to cook each of them to say sorry.

“Why was it so hard for you to believe someone was actually interested in you?” Rafael is still holding his hand and moving his thumb in circular motions and it’s the easy and unconditional support he feels in the gesture that compelled him to share his feelings.

“It’s just that the idea that someone would love me enough to gift me all my favorite things without ever wanting or expecting something in return just didn't seem like something real. More like a dream, or you know, a prank"

He’s not even done speaking when Rafael tugs him close and wraps his arms around him “I hope I can make you realize how wrong you are. You are worthy of love and I can only wish you’ll allow me to be the giving it to you” 

Sonny decides a kiss is answer enough for the question Rafael didn’t have to make


End file.
